Some Wisdom from my F*ing Big Brother...
Tabitha Hartman Taylor Hartman
.The day these little ladies were born, my brother made me take a day off of work…they might have needed a blood transfusion and he and I shared the same blood type and he figured his babies would share it too. Okay, I know (and knew then) that it doesn’t work that way…but the day was monumental for my brother so I left rational arguments for another time, took a day off, and witnessed one of the happiest days of my brother’s life.
Fast forward eighteen years and these sweet little girls have grown into beautiful young ladies who just graduated from high school. I won’t say ‘I think my brother would be proud’ , because I know he is. If angels are allowed to swoop down from Heaven, then my brother was at that coliseum floating in a corner telling the other angel witnesses, ‘Hey, ain’t that some sh*t? See how purty my girls are? And I’m an ugly sum b*tch.’
***Note: My brother was a fireman with a mouth as dirty as soot and a heart as big as the truck he rode on. He dropped F bombs like every conversation was a war. ***
After my own high school graduation, my brother spent an entire week badgering me with advice so I was ready for the big bad world ahead. And I think now is a fitting time to pass it along to his own young graduates.
1. Never let a man buy you a drink in a bar. He’ll think he owns your a**.
2. Dress like a tramp, you’ll be treated like a tramp. Don’t walk around with your boobies hanging out, then be shocked men are ogling you. Men are slimey little mothers and that’s just how we’re wired.
3. Never fall for smooth. If you can’t make that SOB stutter, he’s got the upper hand.
4. Never trust a gentleman. He’s just a lying little SOB.
5. Never be a cheese eatin’ rat. If your friends can’t trust you to watch their back, what the hell good are you?
6. Never let a man put his hands on you (I’m assuming he meant in anger, cause he did hound about #8 quite frequently). If he does, pay someone to kick his a** if you have to, but make that SOB pay.
7. Always remember, dating is the best foot forward. If that foot kicks you in the a**, then expect a lifetime of it. Only the kicks will get harder.
8. Absolutely no F*ing reason to get pregnant. Birth control is free, don’t be F*ing stupid.
9. If you got a guy who loves you, don’t make his life hell. Give the poor bastard a break. Women can be such b*tches.
I can’t recall a nice rounded list of ten, so I will instead, finish with his farewell. He never said good bye…he always said, “Later Grits…keep it real.” So…
Congratulations Tabitha and Taylor.
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