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| Proof! A portrait of an imaginary friend. photo credit |
Coyote: Hello blogosphere!! I’m Coyote Blitzed.
Crowd claps…
Coyote: I’m here today, in this public forum, to discuss a
very important topic. Dramatic pause.
The
growing trend of imaginary friends gone
bad!
Audience gasps. Coyote
feigns chest pain.
Coyote: They start as friendly childhood companions;
harmless and cute…but like a puppy that turns into a rabid junk yard dog…these “friends”
are trouble.
Pan to audience…show shocked, wide eyes.
Coyote: I’ve gathered together a panel…some are victims,
some witnesses, but all are here to force you to believe that imaginary friends
have to be dealt with.
Shakes head at
audience, then moves to his first panel member of Facebook posters.
Coyote: Tam…might I call you Tam?
Tam: Of course.
Coyote: Tell me, have you met an IF, or imaginary friend?
Tam: Yes, my kids…they have this mermaid friend who causes
trouble and …
Coyote: Your kids? Innocent children lead astray by a freak
of nature?
Tam: I don’t know that I would…
Coyote: You’re right…freak is unkind…this aberration of
nature…leading children astray. Let me ask Ms. Kramer…turns to next lady on the panel…Belinda, may I call you that?
Belinda: Sure.
Coyote: Belinda, you had an IF yourself right?
Belinda: Yes, her name was Hunny and she was kind…and I got
a doll that looked just like her and it freaked my parents a little.
Coyote: So, before there was Chuckie, Hunny was terrorizing
people? Sad, truly sad. And no one did anything about it?
Belinda: Well, uh, by freaked I meant…
Coyote: I know what you meant…hard to place labels on such
horrors.
Belinda: No, I…
Coyote moves on…
Coyote: Linell Jeppsen and Cathy Lascow…you ladies have a theory…that
this is an only child curse.
Linell and Cathy: Well, I don't know that we said curse…
Coyote: I know, it’s hard to comprehend, but thank you for
trying. Coyote moves on down the panel.
Ms.
Caseman…your tale…a bit horrifying.
Kelli: No, not horrifying…
Coyote: Your niece enslaved an IF?
Kelli: I wouldn’t say enslaved per se, more like used her as
a servant.
Coyote: And that’s all right with you? Such insensitivity
for another living creature, though no doubt the IF brought it on itself.
Kelli: It’s imaginary; not living.
Coyote: Oh Ms. Caseman we could argue all day about when
life begins, but this is a panel on IFs…please, I must move on. I want to speak
with Jennifer Wright and Martha Clark, both had daughters who were plagued by IFs.
Martha: I thought it was cute…his name was Fonzi and my
daughter would shush him in church. Martha
giggles
Coyote: So disrespecting God and other worshipers is cute? Martha turns red and begins to speak, but Coyote
has moved on. Mrs. Wright, your older daughter had an IF that threatened and
abused her little sister, right?
Jennifer W: Are you freaking insane?
Coyote: Mam, this panel isn’t interested in discussing my possible psychiatric issues, we’re trying to solve a serious social problem here.
Jennifer W: I think you’re full of… security drags Jennifer off stage.
Coyote: Lisa Regan and Ashley Chappell! You’re both writers…open
minded and enlightened…wouldn’t you agree with me?
Ashley: I liked my IF. His name was Jerry and he lived under
a toad stool.
Lisa: And mine was a fox named Red. How could he be bad?
Coyote rolls eyes and
shakes head. Toad stool? An obvious subliminal nudge toward drug use. And a
fox named Red? A sly little communist? Hmmm?
Ashley and Lisa shake their heads as if confused.
Sarah Robinson: Excuse me sir. I had an IF. His name was Big
Chief and he was never a problem. My mother even set a place for him at the
dinner table. He was like family.
Coyote: Perhaps he never caused trouble because you placated and waited on him?
Sarah turns red. Her
mike is shut off and Coyote moves on.
Coyote: Ah, Jackie Auenson, didn’t your IF make you ride in the trunk?
Jackie: No, we rode together in the luggage area for fun.
Coyote: Hmmm…carbon monoxide from the exhaust…doesn’t sound
like fun to me. How about you, Jennifer Miller, didn’t your IF steal your
puppy?
Jennifer M: Huh? My dad got me a puppy to make me forget
Bulba, not…
Coyote: I think we all get the gist. Looks at his watch. We are almost out of time, but we have to take
a minute to speak with Dawn Meyers…Dawn, you were witness to some serious IF
bizarreness, right?
Dawn: sniffles, closes
eyes a moment then says: My sister, Maranda. She was plagued with IFs. A
whole gang of them, called gargoonies. They were bad boys and girls that had to
carried in separate parts of her purse. One day…Dawn lets out a sob…one day, they got out and…and they killed each
other in the Pizza Hut parking a lot. Dawn
cries. Coyote hands her a hankie and turns to audience.
Coyote: In the end, that is what it comes to…
Coyote's final monologue is interrupted as Cassie Mae swoops in. She's packing a magic wand and lays a quick "Imaginarius Completus" spell on Coyote and he turns instantly to a stuffed pup.
Cassie Mae: Forget the IFs...keep it real! Chest bumps to the stuffed animals!
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| Belinda Kramer |
 |
| Tam Long (and son Rhen) |
 |
| Linell Jeppsen |
 |
| Cathy Lascow |
 |
| Martha Clark |
 |
| Kelli Caseman |
 |
| Lisa Regan |
 |
| Jennifer Wright and Alli |
 |
| Sarah Robinson |
 |
| Ashley Chappell |
 |
| Jennifer Miller |
 |
| Jackie Aueson |
 |
| Cassie Mae |
 |
| Dawn Myers |
Hey Twinny,
ReplyDeleteThat was a cool idea to get the Peeps involved - and I am sooo impressed that you didn't take the opportunity to rip the Beacon of Baldness a new one :)
Ah Twinny...I like to hit you when you least expect it :):)
DeleteLol, that was great Elizabeth, so funny... I'm a bit scared there might be gangs of IFs running around the streets.
ReplyDelete(PS. You're a day early for this one, but we won't hold it against you! :-D)
Seriously!!! Holy crap. It's NOT Friday? Dear God, I need some sleep!!
DeleteFor the official record...I am just anxious and wanting to get a jump on things.
ReplyDeleteLOL, this is great! I never had an IF, but I heard an evangelist on the radio, talking about the dangers of IF's a little while ago. I think he must have started on the sauce a little too early because he proclaimed that IF's were nothing more than demons trying to take possession of our children. :P I wish I could think of his name, but it escapes me.
ReplyDeleteThis is a pre-entry Celeste. You still have time to join!! I remember the fuss over Yu Gi Oh cards being demon links. I let my kids have them...as long as none of them started drawing pentagrams or breaking out in blisters when they went into the church.
DeleteHa! Yeah, those and do you remember Garbage Pail Kids Cards? Those were supposed to be demons too. Scary Mary, really might have been, lol. :P I don't know how to join in. What do I do?
DeleteI remember those. The stickers were my favorites!
DeleteEntertaining and amusing, I love your style. :)
ReplyDeleteLOL, although, I don't buy that you didn't have imaginary friends. Your imaginary friends are the characters in your books. At least that's how it works for me.
ReplyDeleteYou got me. I once turned down a contract because I didn't want to cut a character from the book. I loved her...she felt real and I wanted her to stay in the story. So smart lady, I may not have had IFs as a child, but I do as an adult!
DeleteI could use an invisible friend. I think I'd get into too much trouble. :)
ReplyDeleteFunny stuff, Elizabeth!
Not you! I can't imagine you ever being trouble Emily. You're too smart to get caught!
DeleteBrilliant concept and I enjoyed the little cameos from people I recognised! There's definitely potential for a dark side to IFs.
ReplyDeleteThanks Nick! And you're right...better keep an eye on them.
DeleteThat. Was. Hilarious. Hah hah hah. I love what you did with all those comments. A sly communist! I never even thought of that! hah hah hah Well done!
ReplyDeleteThanks Lisa! And thanks for commenting...made my work so much easier!
DeleteHa ha. Dark, yet funny. I love your take on this bloghop. I need to post my entry in a few hours.
ReplyDeleteRule follower...waiting till the right day. I can't wait to read all the entries, but I probably won't get to it until Saturday.
DeleteYay, Cassie Mae saves the day!
ReplyDeleteMy brain is not working this morning. I'm like, what's a IF. About halfway through I figured it out. Maybe I should go back to bed.
I have the days Suzi...quite often actually!
DeleteVery interesting twist in this blog hop. Looks like you had a lot of fun doing it too! Great job-
ReplyDeleteIt was fun. I've found asking people for input on writing stuff on facebook is always a brainstorm surplus. Good stuff to be stolen!
DeleteI love how you like to change up the rules lol!
ReplyDeleteThanks for being part of the bloghop!
I'm a rebel Kyra!!! Well technically I claim Yankee status, but I enjoy a good rule breaking every now and then!
DeleteHilarious! Coyote sure can bring the funny. And so do you Liz, have a great weekend.
ReplyDeleteYou too Sheena-kay! Glad you enjoyed. :)
Deletelol I really enjoyed reading about the troublesome IF's on the loose.
ReplyDeleteYay!! I was was worried it might be too long, but I didn't want to edit anyone's stories out.
DeleteHilarious! Giggled all the way through.
ReplyDeleteYay! Laughter is good medicine!
DeleteIts great to see all these photos of bloggers! I need to update my images for people to see me in the real world.
ReplyDeleteYes you! But isn't the to-do list always so much longer than the done list?!
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