Where Cheaters Go for a Holiday

12:00 AM Elizabeth Seckman 42 Comments

Welcome Mr. Jay Mims and his charming side-kick and sleuth, Dan Landis.
The winter doldrums are about to descend,
so I asked Jay, who evidently outsourced the job to Dan,
where are the best places to vacation?
Dan, of course, being the jaded sort of soul that he is,
sent me the best places for cheaters to spend their vacation days.
Oh Dan. I pray for your imaginary soul ;)

Dear Liz,

Thanks for inviting me back to the blog (last time was fun). I appreciate you asking me for vacation advice, but my line of work leaves me pretty cynical and jaded. Almost like I'm a bird with a broken wing, in need of tender loving care.

And to watch that one Channing Tatum movie you love so much.

But honestly, I'm a ruggedly handsome private investigator who specializes in cheating spouses. And that's just my dating life.

DAN LANDIS PRESENTS: TOP FIVE VACATION DESTINATIONS (FOR CHEATING)

1) DOLLYWOOD:

Trust me, chicks dig butterflies.

Look, unless you live within driving distance, the chances of getting caught cheating in Dollywood is pretty slim. If you're flying solo, just scope out the local groups. Aim for the church groups. Presbyterian Singles are pretty much one caramel pretzel from walking on the wild side. And what's great is, you don't need kids to enjoy the place. Unlike a certain Floridian vacation-destination that shall not be named.

That's the one.

And, if you do have kids, and you plan on taking them with you on your cheating vacation destination, then you really don't need my advice. You need the slow clap. Just remember, even a cheating vacation destination should be a learning experience.

For instance, here's a metaphor for what

your divorce proceedings will be like. Also, is that Santa?

2) Las Vegas

The hat costs extra.

I realize this is a no-brainer for a cheating vacation-destination. But, on the other hand, you're the one getting advice on cheating from a fictional character.

A charming fictional character whose latest adventures are on sale now.

Yes, go out to Vegas, where the women are beautiful, the men are rich, and every casino has a dirt-cheap buffet. Just remember, the slogan "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas" doesn't apply to VD. Nothing says "I'm playing bed-hopping-bingo" like playing host to trichomoniasis.

Let's play a game I like to call "Spot the one with Daddy-issues!"

Hint: It's the one with a drink in her hand.

3) Niagra Falls

Your future ex-special someone is

just at the end of the rainbow

What's great about Niagra Falls is, it's a hub for newlyweds and those seeking to rekindle their marital chemistry. The way to tell the groups apart is by who's wearing matching outfits. I'd say folks who try to hit on newlyweds on their honeymoon go to the special Hell, but come on. If you're hooking up with the new bride because the groom is off blowing the dowry on blackjack, that relationship was doomed from the start.

I give it a year, tops.

4) Cancun

This can't possibly end badly.

Because if there's one thing your cheating vacation needs, it's a challenge. Yep, go to Cancun where the median age is 20, no one has a last name, and hangovers are for old people. On the plus side, you'll be the cougar/sugar daddy cruising the streets. On the negative, you're going to be someone's parent cruising Cancun.

The most important thing is to have fun. And use an alias.

5) Your House

Oh wow! An engagement photo taken on a railroad track!

It's like a metaphor!

Remember how your relationship used to be about two (or more, I'm not here to judge) people who really loved each other? And how you crazy kids decided to throw caution to the wind and make this whole thing work? Yeah, I don't either.

I'm kind of wondering which came first:

The couch or that chick's shirt?

But, maybe instead of trying to find a place to get a little slap and tickle, you could try a bit of wooing. Maybe try to understand what she's going through. Maybe try some self-improvement. Or, worst case scenario, with a little planning and some careful re-decoration, you can totally play the "Single Parent With A Deceased Spouse" card.

Dan Landis lives inside the head of Jay Mims. Jay lives with a kitten named Meowstapheles, his neighbor’s cat who he accidentally adopted and calls Eartha Kitty, a lizard named Bob and a passive-aggressive Dalek roommate named Steve. He writes books and is far funnier on Facebook then in real life. He is terrible at Twitter. His latest book, The Gray Ghost Inn is available wherever books are sold. For more Dan Landis, feel free to stop by Please Don’t Feed The Mimsey. You can email him here.