Coyote: Hello blogosphere!! I’m Coyote Blitzed.

Crowd claps…

Coyote: I’m here today, in this public forum, to discuss a very important topic. Dramatic pause.  The growing trend of imaginary friends gone bad!

Audience gasps. Coyote feigns chest pain.

Coyote: They start as friendly childhood companions; harmless and cute…but like a puppy that turns into a rabid junk yard dog…these “friends” are trouble.

Pan to audience…show shocked, wide eyes.

Coyote: I’ve gathered together a panel…some are victims, some witnesses, but all are here to force you to believe that imaginary friends have to be dealt with.

Shakes head at audience, then moves to his first panel member of Facebook posters.

Coyote: Tam…might I call you Tam?

Tam: Of course.

Coyote: Tell me, have you met an IF, or imaginary friend?

Tam: Yes, my kids…they have this mermaid friend who causes trouble and …

Coyote: Your kids? Innocent children lead astray by a freak of nature?

Tam: I don’t know that I would…

Coyote: You’re right…freak is unkind…this aberration of nature…leading children astray. Let me ask Ms. Kramer…turns to next lady on the panel…Belinda, may I call you that?

Belinda: Sure.

Coyote: Belinda, you had an IF yourself right?

Belinda: Yes, her name was Hunny and she was kind…and I got a doll that looked just like her and it freaked my parents a little.

Coyote: So, before there was Chuckie, Hunny was terrorizing people? Sad, truly sad. And no one did anything about it?

Belinda: Well, uh, by freaked I meant…

Coyote: I know what you meant…hard to place labels on such horrors.

Belinda: No, I…

Coyote moves on…

Coyote: Linell Jeppsen and Cathy Lascow…you ladies have a theory…that this is an only child curse.

Linell and Cathy: Well, I don't know that we said curse…

Coyote: I know, it’s hard to comprehend, but thank you for trying. Coyote moves on down the panel.

Ms. Caseman…your tale…a bit horrifying.

Kelli: No, not horrifying…

Coyote: Your niece enslaved an IF?

Kelli: I wouldn’t say enslaved per se, more like used her as a servant.

Coyote: And that’s all right with you? Such insensitivity for another living creature, though no doubt the IF brought it on itself.

Kelli: It’s imaginary; not living.

Coyote: Oh Ms. Caseman we could argue all day about when life begins, but this is a panel on IFs…please, I must move on. I want to speak with Jennifer Wright and Martha Clark, both had daughters who were plagued by IFs.

Martha: I thought it was cute…his name was Fonzi and my daughter would shush him in church. Martha giggles

Coyote: So disrespecting God and other worshipers is cute? Martha turns red and begins to speak, but Coyote has moved on. Mrs. Wright, your older daughter had an IF that threatened and abused her little sister, right?

Jennifer W: Are you freaking insane?

Coyote: Mam, this panel isn’t interested in discussing my possible psychiatric issues, we’re trying to solve a serious social problem here.

Jennifer W: I think you’re full of… security drags Jennifer off stage.

Coyote: Lisa Regan and Ashley Chappell! You’re both writers…open minded and enlightened…wouldn’t you agree with me?

Ashley: I liked my IF. His name was Jerry and he lived under a toad stool.

Lisa: And mine was a fox named Red. How could he be bad?

Coyote rolls eyes and shakes head. Toad stool? An obvious subliminal nudge toward drug use. And a fox named Red? A sly little communist? Hmmm?

Ashley and Lisa shake their heads as if confused.

Sarah Robinson: Excuse me sir. I had an IF. His name was Big Chief and he was never a problem. My mother even set a place for him at the dinner table. He was like family.

Coyote: Perhaps he never caused trouble  because you placated and waited on him?

Sarah turns red. Her mike is shut off and Coyote moves on.

Coyote: Ah, Jackie Auenson, didn’t your IF make you ride in the trunk?

Jackie: No, we rode together in the luggage area for fun.

Coyote: Hmmm…carbon monoxide from the exhaust…doesn’t sound like fun to me. How about you, Jennifer Miller, didn’t your IF steal your puppy?

Jennifer M: Huh? My dad got me a puppy to make me forget Bulba, not…

Coyote: I think we all get the gist. Looks at his watch. We are almost out of time, but we have to take a minute to speak with Dawn Meyers…Dawn, you were witness to some serious IF bizarreness, right?

Dawn: sniffles, closes eyes a moment then says: My sister, Maranda. She was plagued with IFs. A whole gang of them, called gargoonies. They were bad boys and girls that had to carried in separate parts of her purse. One day…Dawn lets out a sob…one day, they got out and…and they killed each other in the Pizza Hut parking a lot. Dawn cries. Coyote hands her a hankie and turns to audience.

Coyote: In the end, that is what it comes to…

Coyote's final monologue is interrupted as Cassie Mae swoops in. She's packing a magic wand and  lays a quick "Imaginarius Completus" spell on Coyote and he turns instantly to a stuffed pup.

 Cassie Mae: Forget the IFs...keep it real! Chest bumps to the stuffed animals!

Linell Jeppsen

Cathy Lascow

Martha Clark

Kelli Caseman

Lisa Regan

Jennifer Wright and Alli

Sarah Robinson

Ashley Chappell

Jennifer Miller

Jackie Aueson

Cassie Mae

Dawn Myers