How to Get Away with Cheating...
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To protect Dan's identity...
I asked Dan, Dan Lego Man to be a poser. |
Dan Landis is a private eye.
And though he's not real, he has some good, albeit shady advice.
I asked Dan if he would guest post...maybe tell readers how to spot a cheating spouse.
Instead I got this:
Dear Liz,
So, you wanted me to give your readers seven ways to spot a cheater. Well screw that. Catching a cheater ruins lives. So, I decided to give you ten ways to not get caught instead. I am a giver. Also, a cuddler.
DAN LANDIS PRESENTS: 10 WAYS TO NOT GET CAUGHT CHEATING
10) BUY TWO OF EVERYTHING: Guys (and girls, because who doesn’t like getting stuff?) always buy two of everything. If you’re buying your bed buddy a necklace, ring, tiara, or in one memorable case a life sized ALF (Don’t ask) then make sure you get your spouse/partner/person you’re cheating on the same thing. Why? Because it’s going to come up. Trust me, everything is online these days, and when that charge for Tiffany’s comes up, you’d better be ready to show the box. Ladies, guys don’t know what stuff costs, so this way you have Christmas taken care of. Guys….WOMEN KNOW TO THE CENT WHAT EVERYTHING COSTS! Which leads us to…
9) PAY CASH WHERE POSSIBLE: This is a good philosophy to live by anyway, because Big Brother is watching you, so why not give the marketers one less thing to know about you. Plus, your local shopkeep is getting hit up big time by credit card companies for exorbitant fees (THE BASTARDS!), so why not help them out? And, this way you can control what information pops up on your bank account. Because, your partner is definitely going to check that.
8) SHOP SMART: Always be bargain conscious, whether it’s no-tell motels, fur coats (faux of course, because fur is MURDER! to clean), and restaurants. This isn’t to mean you should skimp, just shop around. And do your research. Because, nothing kills the mood like bed bugs. And trust me; nothing says “I go bed hopping” like a case of Cimex lectularius. Or Chlamydia. Which brings us to…
7) BE SMART: Yes, having an affair is the perfect time to try out all the crazy coitus gymnastics that you’ve only heard about. That’s great, I’m happy for you, but please be smart. If you’re going to go for The Swirl, limber up first. If you don’t know what The Swirl is, trust me it deserves the capitals. Also, it will win you a gold star. And…use protection. This should be a no brainer, but I’ll say it anyway. The world has quite enough Baby Mama/Baby Daddy drama; you don’t have to add to it. And nothing says “I’m totally cheating” like an STD. Hot monkey sex is temporary, herpes will last a lifetime.
6) BE HUMBLE: Alright, I realize that you are having the most amazing time of your life. That’s great, I’m happy for you. So is everyone else. No, really, no one could possibly feel hurt, betrayed, jealous, bitter, or just want to totally cut you down to size. Yeah, go ahead and tell your buddy. He won’t rat you out. And you’d better believe that if you’re doing someone in the same social circle as your significant other…you know what, I’m just going to go ahead and give the slow golf clap.
5) CHOOSE WISELY: This carries over from #6, but I was too busy slowly clapping for you to put it in there. See, here’s the thing: Pick your partner wisely. Just like in the three-legged race, you don’t pair a 5’9 dude with a 6’4 dude….you know what, I forgot what I was saying. And Gary, if you’re reading this, it’s time to move on. Anyway, pick someone wisely. Best case scenario, it’s someone who doesn’t even live in the same state, doesn’t know your real name, and preferably will never EVER accidently bump into your spouse and compare photos of their loved ones. I recommend shut-ins, because they’re always easy to find and Agoraphobics need love too.
4) DON’T DIP IN THE COMPANY POOL: If you absolutely have to do the nasty with someone in the corporate world, choose your partner’s secretary. Why? Because the secretary always knows your spouse’s schedule, is inherently manipulative, and holds a grudge against your spouse. Why shouldn’t you sleep with your own secretary? See previous. Also, really? You think that’s going to end well? Alternatively, sleep with your significant other’s boss. Or your own boss. Look, if you’re going to be an idiot, you might as well get a promotion out of the deal.
3) GIVE 110%: The easiest way to get caught cheating is for an unsatisfied horizontal tango partner to drop a dime on you. So, it’s time to step up your game. You need to bring your A-Game to this party, and to always leave ‘em with a smile. And don’t forget to woo. Make sure you keep this person happy. Buy gifts, take him/her to nice places, do little things to show how much you care/want to do horrible things. Just don’t forget #9.
2) GET ORGANIZED: It’s time to be real about this. If you really, REALLY don’t want to get caught cheating, you are going to have to put effort into this. You need to keep your dates straight, know when and where what happened (you can only cover the tracks you know about) and never EVER leave a paper trail. Erase all texts and emails, because anything electronic has a way of popping up. And, I realize this should go without saying but let’s face it people are idiots: DON’T USE CAMERAS! If you think those photos/videos/audio recordings won’t come back to haunt you, think again. Leave the photos to Sears.
On an unrelated note, guys: keep track of a lady’s cycle. You think I’m joking, but I’ve got about fifteen women who have a reason to be pissed off at me on a good day. So, you’d better believe my phone gives me a reminder of when it’s time to play nice. Tap dancing on a minefield, my friend, tap dancing on a minefield.
And this brings us to the most important way to not get caught cheating.
1) DON’T CHEAT: If you’re dissatisfied with your relationship, chances are your spouse/partner/significant other is too. Shocking, I know. So, here’s a suggestion: Talk to them. Open up a dialogue, take them out to dinner, and maybe try listening for a few minutes. If that doesn’t work go see a Therapist, take a class, join a swinger’s group. I don’t care. Look, trust me; I really am not here to judge. I was once in a fourteensome.
On a possibly unrelated note, I’m no longer allowed to serve on juries. Ever.
Alright, I got work to do. If you want to know what I’m up to, go harass my mouthpiece Jay. He loves hearing from the unwashed masses. Me, I got bills to pay. Peace.
DL
Jay Mims is often mistaken for being someone who cares.
Jay writes the continuing antics of Dan Landis and company, including “The Five Santas” and “Cult of Koo Kway”, both available online and in-stores. When not writing potboiler fiction he tinkers with electronics, takes long walks in the countryside, and watches way too much television. He also lives next door to three Shetland ponies who only like him because he brings carrots.
Jay can be stalked on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/pages/Jay-Mims/159855220771076
On Twitter @JayMimsey and on Goodreads at http://www.goodreads.com/author/show/5179719.Jay_Mims
He also has a blog at http://themimsey.blogspot.com/
Jay Mims will be writing his fourth book "Racing the Storm" for NaNoWriMo, so sit back and watch as he woefully underestimates the task of writing at http://www.nanowrimo.org/en/participants/jaymims
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